


someone that I forgot to be

by CapriciousCrab



Series: Bingo fic 2018 [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Internal Monologue, M/M, brief mention of bullying, brief mention of internalized homophobia, coming out video
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-17 15:17:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16098314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: Phil attempts to film an important video.





	someone that I forgot to be

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the PhandomFicFests Bingo Fest.  
> My prompt was 'coming out video'
> 
> Thanks to Dani for beta reading this one.

 

He's alone in the flat. 

  
He’d asked Dan to leave for the day, unable to even think of recording while he’s home. Even in the midst of his anxiety driven irrationality, he can recognize how ridiculous it is that he can't bear for the man he shares his life with to hear him try to tell the world something so personal. But the thought of Dan listening as he fumbles his way through this seems unbearable.  
  
Oh, he's sure Dan has some kind of an explanation for it. Something drawn out and pithy that would hammer home the ‘live your truth’ mantra that he's been stuck on since watching Queer Eye, but he's kind and keeps it to himself today. And if Phil’s being completely honest with himself, he knows he'll be happy never to hear that damn phrase again.  
  
But now he's cowering alone in their room, wishing he could resent Dan for pushing him into this. And for a brief moment he does, letting the outrage swell in his veins. It burns in his gut like molten lava, but that resentment fades when he remembers that he himself had offered to do this. Every major milestone they'd crossed in life had been done together, he'd told Dan, so it was only right that they'd do this together too.  
  
He hits record on the camera. He starts and stops, then starts again.  
  
**  
  
_“Hey, guys! So, as you can see by the title-_ _”_  
He doesn't even know what he's calling the video yet...

  
  
The red light of the camera blinks at him accusingly; waiting for something, anything, to pass through his tightly clamped lips. But his mind is blank and he can’t think of a blessed thing to say.  
  
He lets himself flop back on their bed to stare at the ceiling and still the camera runs, its judgmental gaze capturing his rising anxiety. His sweaty brow and shaking hands warn of an upcoming panic attack, and he takes a few deep breathes to try and quell the surge of adrenaline. He closes his eyes and thinks of the sea, timing his breathing to the ebb and flow of the waves he imagines there. He calms and sits back up, wiping the sheen of sweat from his face on the hem of his tee.  
  
He clears his throat. He starts and stops, then starts again.  
  
**  
  
_“Hey, guys. So, today I'm going to be-”_  
He doesn't know what he's doing...

  
  
Dan had known what he was doing, and he's ready. Dan’s _been_ ready; the mysterious, missing June video that everyone has been waiting for sits edited and ready to upload. All he needs now is Phil. An endless well of patience even when the fans nag and mock, Dan never grows angry with him. He knows Phil struggles.  
  
He wishes it could be easier, wishes he could just smile and wave and announce 'hey guys, guess what? I’m not straight' and then move on. But he can't find the right words. He just doesn’t know what to **say**.  
  
Dan had known what to say, spinning his words into something touching and personal and amusing in that special way that he has. He's so damn likable on camera, relaxed and comfortable in a way that Phil can't help but envy.  
  
He's not easy on camera. He knows he can be stiff and a little awkward and that's okay because that's all part of who he is on his channel. But he doesn’t want to be AmazingPhil for this video. He wants to be Phil Lester, he needs to open up the parts of himself that he closed off long ago in order to treat this video with the sensitivity and honesty it deserves.  
  
The camera still stares, the red light still blinks, and he imagines he can feel the eyes of his viewers watching his anxiety ratchet higher and higher with each aborted take.  
  
So he starts and stops, then starts again.  
  
**  
  
He never thought he'd have to define himself in this way publicly, to try and place himself inside the tidy little square society has allowed him. He had tried when he was younger, in the quieter spaces of the internet where it seemed everyone was calling themselves bisexual and he longed to fit in somewhere, _anywhere_. But that wasn't really true for him then and it's not completely true for him now. 

It's only been recently that he's accepted the label that he would use today. Maybe it's not one that's easily understood or even known well outside of the LGBTQIA+ community, but he feels it fits him better than anything else would. At least, he thinks it does. He's still trying to understand his own confusing sexuality.  
  
So here he sits, a thirty-one-year-old man who wants nothing more than to call his mum and cry down the line about how scared he is to film this video; one that will confirm all the little hints he's carefully let slip this year. Someone who wants to pull the duvet over his head and let Dan do this alone. A guy who resents the fact that a video like this is even necessary, who wants to call this whole idea off.  
  
But he won't.  
  
Because he knows how important this is to Dan, this desire to take back this piece of himself that subjected him to bullying and ridicule as a teen. To share this part of himself that he's kept hidden out of fear and maybe even a bit of self-hate. And deep inside where he has more courage, Phil knows he feels the same way.  
  
So for Dan and himself, he can be brave and strong and proud of how far they've come.

  
  
So he takes a deep breath and smiles, then starts again.  
_“Hey, guys. So, today I have something important to share with you...”_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading ♥
> 
> you can like/reblog [here](https://capriciouscrab.tumblr.com/post/178459787110/someone-that-i-forgot-to-be-rating-g-word-count)


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